


How come we haven't realised?

by MirtaF



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-18
Updated: 2015-01-18
Packaged: 2018-03-08 03:55:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,302
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3194384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MirtaF/pseuds/MirtaF
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Yixing is confused. There was something undefined growing between him and Sehun. But Yixing is confused and he tries to figure it out on his own.<br/>On a cold, lonely Christmas night. In the middle of nowhere, lost and with just an empty dorm awaiting him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How come we haven't realised?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Mika__mi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mika__mi/gifts).



> A very (very) late Christmas present for my lovely Mika__mi :*  
> I hope you like it... Do you even realise how difficult it is for me to write Layhun? Huh?

Yixing looked out of the window. It was snowing, heavily. Even though the weather was not the best for taking a walk or going out at all, there were still a lot of people rushing trough the streets, buying last presents and getting ready for Christmas. It was Christmas but Yixing sat alone in the living room of their Chinese dorm.

Kris went to Canada last week, Tao had a family get-together, Jongdae and Minseok joined Luhan's family in celebrating Christmas since they were stuck in China. They wanted Yixing to go with them but he was supposed to go to his grandmother's place. But it was snowing, heavily, and his flight got cancelled. In fact, all the flights got cancelled.

Now Yixing was sitting alone in the living room of their dorm, eating leftovers from a week ago and listening to shitty, sad Christmas songs. He changed the radio station. It was Korean. He heard a soothing voice talking to him. For a moment Yixing couldn't make out what was the voice talking about, as he still had problems adjusting to Korean language quickly.

"It's Christmas, everybody... I wish I were home right now, aish... I hope you all are having nice time at least, are you"?

No. He didn't. He was probably much more pitiful than the sad DJ stuck at work on Christmas Eve. The air, yet again, filled with a slow tune. It was their song. Their shitty, sad Christmas song. Out of the habit Yixing started singing and playing on his imaginary piano. When he reached Luhan's part a thought occured to him. He could get his sorry ass up and go to where three of his members where, couldn't he? Luhan lived in Beijing, after all.

Five minutes later Yixing stood outside the building wondering which way should he take. He tightened the scarf around his neck, it was cold. No, actually, it was more than cold – Yixing felt his fingertips getting numb quickly. He started walking down the street, passing by strangers absorbed with their own thoughts, their own concerns. Most of them were couples or groups, only a few he had passed walked alone (none, though, looking sad). It would be nice having someone on his right, holding hands and laughing together at such a day. Yixing looked at his empty hand, he closed it and opened it a few times, imagining there was somebody's hand clasped with his.

He took out his phone and scrolled down the contact list. He first stopped at Luhan number. He could call him now and ask if he could come by. He knew the answer would have been yes and he would spend a great time with them. But he started scrolling down again.

Next he stopped at Yifan. He was in Canada and he hasn't seen his family in a long time. Yixing would have had to be the biggest dick in the whole world to ruin Yifan's rare moments of happiness with his lonely heart and overwhelming Christmas melancholy. And Yixing wasn't. Yixing was, indeed, a very nice person whose last intention could have been to make anybody unhappy. So he went back to the beginning of the list and started scrolling down again.

Chanyeol. He could call him and pretend it was about music, about a chord that Yixing couldn't remember or a great melody that has just came to him and he needed somebody to hear it. But Yixing didn't really feel like talking about music. He kept scrolling.

The next moment Yixing finds himself staring at another number on his list. It's Sehun's. He cannot think of a reason to call him. Nor can he think of a reason not to. Thus, he sits down on a covered with snow bench and keeps staring at his phone's screen, on which there is a little photo of Yixing and Sehun right next to the latter's number.

He wanted to call him and hear him answer with a prolonged 'Yeeees...?'. There was nothing he had to ask Sehun, nothing he wanted to tell him, nothing he wanted to talk about. Really, all Yixing wanted was to hear him just answer the phone.

He rose abruptly. What was he even thinking, getting all happy just on a mention of maknae's name in his thoughts? What an utter absurd.

Yixing started to walk quickly, not paying attention to the turns he took or the buildings he was passing. He walked like that for nearly an hour, humming and talking out loud to himself about some trivial things, trying really hard not to let himself think about Sehun again. He failed miserably at it. He was screwed: once he let Sehun make himself cosy in his mind and once he let the image of smiling Sehun stand before his eyes, he was screwed.

He stops, resigned. Ok, fine, he didn't care anymore. He looked around – he had no idea where he was and he had no idea how he could get back to their dorm. Perfect. Just a perfect Christmas Eve Zhang Yixing style. Now he could just as well just let his thought freely circulate about the topic they were most interested in lately: Oh Sehun.

When has it started exactly? When was the first time Yixing found himself looking at Sehun one second longer than it was necessary? The first time he unconsciously ordered Sehun's favourite dish for himself? The first time he cautiously put his arm around Sehun's? The first time he thought that he wouldn't mind EXO-M and EXO-K always promoting together if it meant he would have been able to spend more time with the youngest of them all? The first time he starred at Sehun's sleeping face on their way to a broadcasting station in the van?

Yixing wasn't able to recall these 'first times'. He knew for sure, though, that last Christmas his head was still filled with thoughts of his grandmother's cooking and not with thoughts of Sehun.

*****************

_It might have been, the starting point, their late dance practice back in April. The SM TOWN concert was drawing closer and the two of them were supposed to have a dancing duet. However, they were stuck at making the choreography and they had to present it to the production crew the next morning. There was no such thing as pushing the date back or excusing themselves with lack of ideas, tiredness or insufficient amount of time for preparations: they needed to have it done by the morning._

_The rest of the members left the room chatting cheerfully, arguing over the menu for the dinner and what movie should they watch in the evening. Yixing and Sehun were still sitting on the floor, sweaty and tired, not looking at each other, cursing in their minds their empty stomachs and whoever had came up with the brilliant idea of putting them into an unit. The room, soon, went silent as the last echos of their friends died down as they, most probably, entered the elevator._

_Neither of them felt like moving even by an inch so they continued motionlessly on the floor for another half an hour. Yixing started to slowly fall asleep._

_That's when Sehun stood up and kicked his hyung on the shin._

_"What the...", Yixing remembered himself being quite surprised._

_"We have to do this, hyung. And the sooner, the better". He helped him up and went to turn on the music._

_Their bodies were tired and couldn't follow the fast beat of the song. The moves they had put together so far started to fall apart again. They practised what made up for 10 second of the choreography for an hour and half._

_"It just doesn't work," Sehun collapsed at the floor again while the song still played on, "do we have to go with this music"?_

_Yixing didn't have an answer to that question. They were told to dance to that track so they were, most probably, expected to do so. But it didn't take a genius to see that it was just not working. "Let's change it". He started to scroll down the play list at his phone, in search of something inspirational._

_"What if they say we can't"?_

_"Then we start worrying or go freestyle"._

_Sehun laughed. Yixing didn't pay much attention to that at first, it was good to take off some of the tension. But Sehun continued to laugh, more and more hysterically. Yixing stopped his thumb and rose his eyes from above the phone's screen. The maknae was laying on the floor laughing his heart out on a not-that-funny-in-reality remark by his hyung. He must have been really tired._

_Yixing smiled._

_"Here we go," he plucked his phone to the speakers, "let's go with something slower and more romantic"._

_The first notes of SHINee's new song emerged from nowhere. It was soothing and calming. Their seniors' vocals made them slowly nod to the rhythm._

_"We could go with a modern yet lyrical dance," Sehun sat up, focusing on the music, "something powerful yet delicate"._

_He turned to look at Yixing._

_"I think it suits you, hyung. Such an image. Let's do that"._

_They listened to the song a few times, sporadically moving to it, visualising the dance in their heads. The seventh time they knew it was time to start dancing with their bodies as well._

_Standing in front of each other Yixing was the first to move and Sehun followed his movements with swift stretch. It went like that: one showing his idea of the particular moment in the music, the other filling in with their move._

_Like that they finish at quarter to seven in the morning. The meeting starts at seven._

_They dance perfectly, they are proud of their choreography. The staff applauds them, other artists present do the same. And then they are told that their dance teacher made a choreography for the initially appointed to them song and they are to learn it for the concert. Maybe they could use their dance some other time._

_It is after that night that Yixing starts to pay more attention to Sehun's dance, to Sehun's laughter and to Sehun in general._

*****************

He pulled the sleeves of his jacket down to cover his hands. It was getting colder. Yixing looked around again. The scenery wasn't more familiar at all then it was the moment he had realized he had no idea where he was. Hence, Yixing was no closer to getting back to the dorm then he was before.

A ringing phone disturbed his worrying over finding the way home.

"Hyung"!

It was Baekhyun.

"I have just seen the news. All the flights from Beijing have been grounded due to the weather, right? Are you stuck there? Not going home"?

"No, I am not going home".

"I am sorry to hear that," he sounded genuine but one never knows with Baekhyun, "are you at Luhan-hyung's place now, then"?

"No. I am taking a walk and enjoying some solitude for a change. Don't worry too much, it's nice".

A moment of silence. Either Baekhyun was showing his disbelief for such a statement or there was something going on in the background and he covered the phone with his hand.

"Sorry, hyung, I have to go now. Sehun says to wish you Merry Christmas".

Baekhyun hung up.

As if Sehun couldn't call him on his own and wish him Merry Christmas. Yixing didn't want such wishes.

*****************

_The atmosphere in the room tightens as Minseok leaves without a single word. They obviously had a fight, Luhan and Minseok. It wasn't such an uncommon situation since Luhan was known among them for having a short temper. Yet, never, not even once, before had Minseok lost it. And now he even slams the door. Wow! Just 'wow' for Minseok. Kris just sighs and rolls his eyes. Usually, Luhan would follow after Minseok immediately but not this time. This time he stays put with a straight face. Kris sighs again and stands up. Probably it is his duty, as the leader, to get Minseok back if Luhan isn't willing to. They wait for almost half an hour before Minseok slips back into the room followed by a very confused-looking Kris. They never say a word about it, the practice continues._

_It is not until two months later that the topic resurfaces. Yixing is laying in his bed, almost asleep. He feels a cold big hand squeezing his own palm. It's Sehun's._

_"Are you asleep, hyung"?_

_He squeezes him back. He is not asleep, he wants to say but his heart races too much for him to utter even a word._

_"I wonder what did Luhan-hyung and Minseok-hyung fight about"._

_It takes Yixing a moment to recall the situation, to remember that there has been, indeed, a fight. The thing was that afterwards it was all back to normal, as if nothing has ever happened. Sehun might have been the only person to still think about it._

_"I have no idea," he answers finally, feeling an overwhelming need to look the maknae in the eyes and find out what could have brought up these thoughts._

_"It would be nice if we could never fight with those we love"._

_This surprises Yixing. He turns to face Sehun. The latter shrugs his arms, "Because they love each other. I don't know what kind of love that is but they do love each other"._

_Now that Yixing thinks about it, it might be true._

_"I guess they do"._

_The silence falls between them._

_"Do you love anybody, Sehun-ah"?_

_Yixing hears himself asking it before he even thinks about it._

_They lock their eyes. For a moment Yixing is sure Sehun wanted to say something but he only smiles and turns to lay on his back. Yixing does the same. The ceiling is pitch black in the darkness of the room so he imagines there are stars scattered all around. He is slowly drifting to sleep._

_"I don't know what this is, is it love"?_

_And so Yixing falls asleep._

_*****************_

He recognized one of the buildings. Is was Luhan's favourite coffee shop he would drag them to each time they were in Beijing. Yixing was almost sure he could get home from there.

He looked again at his phone. The possibility of calling Sehun still was somewhere in the back of his mind, tempting him. He really wanted to hear him.

Yixing wasn't so much attached to the concept of Christmas but he liked the idea of not being alone during that time. He liked when he could see his grandmother, kiss her on her forehead and bring a smile onto her face with a small gift. But now he couldn't bring himself to think about his grandmother.

Once again Yixing tried to recall the moment when he had realized that him staring at the youngest of their group, embracing him warmly, getting his hand into his own at the airports wasn't out of care, out of his fatherly instincts towards this boy. When had he realized he loved him? He wasn't sure what kind of love that was. He suspected that he loved Sehun just like Luhan and Minseok loved each other: in an undefined way, unshaped form but dearly.

*****************

_They kissed. It was an accident, of course. Yixing tripped on some piece of clothing lying around on the floor and fell onto Sehun pressing his lips against maknae's. But that wasn't the kiss. The kiss happened when they haven't got away from each other. No, they haven't. They kissed. Deeply. Passionately. Truly. Twice._

_And then Jongdae walked in on them._

_An awkward silence. Quickly and loudly inhaled by Jongdae air. Yixing sloppily getting off of Sehun. Sehun backing off to the wall. Yixing looking perplexed at Jongdae. Jongdae slowly staring them down before grinning and laughing out loud. It all happened almost all at once._

_"I could tell you to get a room if you didn't have one already," that very moment Yixing wanted to kill Jongdae, with cold blood, "instead I can tell you to lock it next time you want to play out the possible conversation schemes between our eldest hyungs"._

_A yellow fluffy slipper landed on Jongdae's face just before he managed to get out of the room._

_And so they were left alone._

_Nervously, Yixing stood up and faced the door, "Should I go out"?_

_For a moment there was no response from Sehun, but soon the second yellow fluffy slipper hit the back of Yixing's head._

_"Don't you dare leave now," he said it in a serious, low voice that Yixing was used to hear when Sehun sleep-talked," hyung"._

_*****************_

When was that? It was already cold outside and he remembered getting back to the dorm soaked and freezing. He took a shower and wanted to rest before their schedule in the evening. Yes, it was definitely in November. More than a month ago and they still haven't talked about it. They have been still acting as if nothing had ever happened. Yixing almost didn't even think about the kiss, unless he would caught Jongdae looking at him amused. Then he would remember.

Of course, it was before they have kissed that he had realized he was in love with Sehun. The kiss just made it more real and more definite, as if there was no going back anymore.

The first time it occurred to him that his affection for Sehun might have been more than just a simple preferential treatment of one of his dongsaengs, he still could have stopped and go down a different path.

*****************

_"What is this? What is this that we are doing"?_

_Yixing tensed up hearing Minseok's hoarse voice breaking through his half-asleep awareness._

_"Do we have to"?_

_This time it was Luhan speaking. He sighed before, though._

_"Have to what"?_

_"Do we have to name it? Do we have to be exact about everything? Do we have to define it? Do we have to classify it as something? Do we have to kill every uncertainty"?_

_Luhan sounded irritated. He sighed again._

_"Don't yell, you will wake Yixing up"._

_Luhan inhaled loudly, with a whistle. This means he is mad._

_"I want to know, Lu-ge, I want to know what is this"..._

_They kept quiet for a while. Yixing could hear Minseok's breathing. And he could imagine Luhan's narrowed eyebrows, something he always did when being irritated._

_"The first thing I think of after waking up is whether you had a nice dream or not. The first thing I want to do after waking up is to see your sleepy face and hear you making coffee in the kitchen. The first thing I do afterwards is kissing you," Yixing felt hot on his face, that was a pretty bold confession, "in books and movies it usually means love. But maybe it is just a life-threatening sickness and its symptoms, I am not an expert"._

_Minseok threw a pillow at Luhan and he probably hit it right in the face._

_"What about 'not waking Yixing up' part, huh"?_

_"Forget it"._

_"So, which one is it, what we are doing, in your opinion"?_

_Of course it is love, Yixing thought._

_"In my opinion a check-up wouldn't hurt you, maybe it is an illness – you never kiss me in the morning. What do you call it? Hallucinations"?_

_Luhan laughed shortly._

_"The guys are always there. But I do, I do in my mind"._

_"Cheesy"._

_"And you like it"._

_"True"._

_Yixing heard a rustle and he knows it is Luhan making his way to Minseok's bed. Yixing wasn't looking but he knew Luhan bent down and placed the morning kiss that couldn't happen in the morning on Minseok's lips._

_When Yixing woke up in the morning, he wondered if Sehun also dreamt of him._

_*****************_

He, again, had no idea where he was. He must have, lost in thought, take a wrong turn. What scared him was that there were no big buildings around him, only some small cottages and fields. Has he walked as far as to the boarders of Beijing? Maybe, because his legs hurt and he didn't have any strength left to go back to their dorm.

He leaned on a railing next to the road and pulled out his phone again. He dialled Sehun without a second thought.

"Yeeees..."?

"Sehun-ah".

"Hyung! I heard you weren't going home for Christmas. Are you alone"?

"Yes. They cancelled all the flights because of the weather".

"So, where are you"? "I have no idea, to be honest," he started laughing, looking around in search of anything that could help him localize the place he was at.

"You got lost"?

Maybe he did. Or maybe not, there was a bus stop on the other side of the road. He read the name of it out loud.

"Yes," Sehun laughed, "after that mumbled Chinese I totally know where you are".

"I don't mumble".

"You do, sometimes. Well, I hope you get home alright then. Merry Christmas".

And he hung up.

Yixing was confused.

He sat at the bus stop. There was a bus supposed to come in an hour or so. He put on his earphones and played some more sad shitty love songs. We wasn't going to think about Sehun no more.

Just the perfect, lonely Christmas. Yixing would have to cross it out from his bucket list later on.

The bus came but Yixing didn't move an inch. He didn't feel like going back home, to the empty house.

How long has it been since he started calling their dorm (either the Korean one or the Chinese) his home? At first he would always miss his home while living with the guys, practising, eating and sleeping together under one roof. He would miss his home in Changsha. He would miss his home – China. Now, being in China he felt like his home was back there in Korea where they stayed all together, as twelve. Ha took of his unicorn ring and turned it a few times in his fingers. He used to be so embarrassed about it but now he could just smile and proudly say that he is an unicorn. It was no longer a problem for Yixing to do that. He was a happy unicorn every time he could goof around with the other guys, having a pillow battle using their super powers. He could use some of this happiness right now.

"I am an unicorn".

His voice sounded strange in the vast quietness of the night.

"You're not a fucking unicorn," another strangely sounding voice answered him, "hyung".

Yixing raised his head. Music still played from his earphones but he heard it clearly. It was Sehun standing before him.

"Really," Sehun sat beside Yixing on the bench, "why do you wear that out of work? It's stupid".

Sehun took one earphone and placed it in his ear. He instantly started nodding to the rhythm, soundlessly singing along to the song. Yixing couldn't hear the music anymore, his eyes were fixed on Sehun.

Sehun didn't seem to mind. He closed his eyes and enjoyed the music. His fingers were tapping the melody on Yixing's lap. It looked as if it was only something natural to happen, as if Sehun had every right to put his hand on Yixing's lap.

He did not.

"No"!

Yixing rose abruptly and run out. He run towards the fields just on the other side of the road. In a moment he heard heavy steps following him, heavy steps and a stream of curses. Sehun, eventually, caught up with Yixing and pulled him by his arm.

"What are you doing"?!

Yixing eyed him.

"Hyung," he released Yixing's arm from his grip, "what are you doing"?

"You cannot be here".

"I am".

Yixing shook his head.

"No," he said, "no, fuck you, I said no. You can't be here".

"I am, though".

"No, you can't. You are in Korea. I spoke with Baekhyun, he said you were in Korea".

"Should I applaud you for believing Byun Baekhyun? Well, I will do so if you finally accept the fact that, indeed, the half-frozen body in front of you is me and I am not in my cosy room in Korea but I am standing in the middle of nowhere on Chinese soil trying to kiss you underneath the mistletoe. Yes, if you hadn't realized I am holding a fucking mistletoe above us just so I could kiss you and hug you and get some of your warmth".

Yixing blinked and looked at Sehun confused. There was, indeed, mistletoe but it was pinned into Sehun's jacket.

"You're not holding it up, Sehun-ah".

"Who the hell cares".

They kissed. It should have been snowing at that moment so it would have been more dramatic, more movie-like. Or there could have been a strong wind, at the very least. But the sky was clear, the air was still and the only thing moving were their lips. Their lips that had been longing for this for so long. Their lips that were now carefully brushing against each other, as if it was the first time. They broke off the kiss once the air became scarce.

Yixing was looking right into Sehun's eyes and the younger man did not waver. No, he was looking straight back at Yixing.

Yixing took Sehun's face into his hands. His cheeks felt hot under the touch of Yixing's cool fingertips. Only now did he felt the bitter cold with which the air has been steeped.

"It's cold, let's go home".

But Sehun closed him in a tight embrace and rested his head on Yixing's shoulder.

"Just a while longer," he murmured into Yixing's jacket, "let's stay like that a while longer".


End file.
